The age-old question continues to pop up, “Where would we be without women?” and though some answer that question by saying, “We’d still be in the garden” the truth is that it was Adam, present with Eve, who did not carry out His God given responsibility to protect Eve from such a deception. From that event God placed a barrier upon that husband-wife relationship because Adam failed to protect his wife. The pronounced curse upon their relationship is found at the end of Genesis 3:16 and in it God says to Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband yet he will rule over you.” If I might paraphrase that verse it would sound like this, “You Eve are going to seek to rule over and manipulate your husband yet He is going to domineer and oppress you. This kind of dog and cat relationship was a far cry from the relationship that God had originally created between them. At the end of Genesis 2, there was complete, open and unhindered communication between them. There were no barriers and neither of them tried to usurp the role of the other. Now because of sin their beautiful open relationship turned to one in which blameshifting and deception ruled. Their sin caused that and today our sin causes the same kinds of breakdown in husband-wife relationships but it is not what God desires. Peter gives us this morning what it is that God does desire in these relationships.
This message is a very difficult one because of the material covered in it. It is not difficult in the sense that the passage is hard to understand or even to explain. It is difficult because the world has distorted biblical words and the abuse of the term submission has caused disdain to fall upon any discussion of it at all. So though I might apologize for the corruption of the term, I cannot nor will not apologize for the Bible’s use of the term. It would have been easy to have skipped this section of Scripture all together but God’s command to me is to give the whole council of God. And may God use it to change our hearts and lives.
The key idea in this passage of Scripture is that God has given the husband and wife interdependent roles. The wife is to biblically submit to her husband and the husband is to lovingly honor his wife.
This passage ends Peter’s running commentary on submission. In chapter 2:13-17 Peter commanded all of us, for the Lord’s sake, to submit to every human institution. In 2:18-25, Peter told servants to be submissive to their masters and that we all are to follow the supreme example of Jesus Christ suffering as He submitted to the will of the Father. Now Peter begins the final section discussing husbands and wives and their interdependent roles. In this section of Scripture Peter gives us four characteristics of godly biblical submission.
1. The power of submission (vv. 1-2)
In verses 1-2 Peter discusses the power of submission. There is a purpose in Peter’s first command for wives to submit to their husbands. Submission is God’s way to bring a husband who is failing to listen to the Word to repentance. The words “So that” describe the power of submission in reaching husbands disobedient to the Word. He says submit so that if they are disobedient to the word they may be won without a word. I believe the husbands that Peter is speaking about could refer to both husbands who are unbelievers or to husbands that are believers but are failing to respond to what God’s Word has to say about their sin. This doesn’t mean that wives cannot confront their husbands about their sin, or concerning their salvation if they are unbelievers. But if they refuse to listen to the Word, then ongoing biblical submission is the means that God wants to use to turn them around to be listeners(or hearers) of the Word. Continued attempts to force the Word at a husband will not cause a softening of a heart, but only its hardening. Putting this into practice is difficult because the natural response for someone is that we need to “do” something. I’ve got to tell him about this. How can I lure him into talking about the Bible? I’ve got to do something and letting God deal with him about it doesn’t seem “something” enough. Peter contrasts the two ways. If they won’t listen to the Word, then the only way to reach them is without a word, by your lifestyle. It is interesting to note that Peter also uses this word, “observe” in 2:12 where he again refers to the Gentiles’ salvation occurring because they notice the behavior of believers. And Peter uses the same word (behavior) in 3:16. He says in 15, if you have opportunity make a defense for your faith do it, but regardless keep a good conscience, so that the unbeliever might be put to shame by your good behavior.
Peter says that your behavior (or lifestyle) is to be pure and respectful. This does not mean that you stop speaking with your husband or keep quiet until spoken to. This pure and respectful behavior is not a quiet cold shoulder until they listen. Some people’s silence is most eloquently spoken. Their silence speaks volumes. This isn’t what Peter is talking about. The response to submit comes from a sincere desire to see what is best take place in your husband’s life.
Just as submission to governmental authorities (2:13-17) is to silence the ignorance of foolish people who would speak against us as Christians, so the wife’s submission to her husband is to cause him to consider the truth claims of the Word of God upon His life.
So now the question that Peter answers is, “What does biblical submission look like?” If we want to move away from the world’s view of submission we need to answer this question.
2. The person of submission (vv. 3-4)
And Peter does answer this question in verses 3-4, as he notes the second characteristic of godly biblical submission as the person of submission. So in verses 3-4 we see person of submission, that is, what does submission look like, or more plainly, what is submission? Verses 3-4 say, “Your adornment must not be merely external – braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart.” Don’t miss what Peter is saying in these two verses. He’s not commenting on whether it is proper to braid the hair or wear gold or put on dresses. Some groups have missed this and say that women are forbidden to wear jewelry or style their hair. However, they’re inconsistent on this because they still allow women to wear clothes. It is obvious that Peter is not talking about this. He is contrasting the outward with the inward. God does not look on the outward appearance. God is looking for someone whose inner person is well adorned. Biblical submission is a matter of the inner person, not outward adornment. It doesn’t deal with how prettily a woman is dressed. It is a matter of attitude, not outtitude.
Peter gives the two key descriptions that make up a submissive spirit.
A. Gentleness
The key first description of a submissive spirit is what Peter calls, gentleness or meekness. This word is often misunderstood. It conjures up images of those who are weak and spineless, those who allow others to step on them. Actually during that time the word was used of a stallion, that had been tamed. The word has carries the idea of strength under control. It in no way conveys weakness. The trained war-horse that does not flinch but maintains its order in the heat of battle is called gentle. The word gentleness (or meekness) shows itself by our work to bring change without the fighting and strife so characteristic of the world. Jesus used the word to describe himself. Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am meek and humble of heart and you will find rest for your souls. Jesus displayed meekness when they mocked Him on the cross and He refused to come down just to prove who He was(His strength of character was stronger). Instead He prayed Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing. Jesus displayed meekness when He had compassion on the children and held them in His arms instead of sending them away like the apostles tried to do (His display of compassion was more important than greatness of His person). Knowing how to use one’s strength in each situation is meekness. This is the first key characteristic in biblical submission. Gentleness allows an individual to act in accordance with the will of God with all the strength of God at the same time manifesting the kindness of God.
B. Quietness
The second key description of a submissive spirit is what Peter calls quietness. One Bible dictionary defines this word, “quiet” as “a spirit which calmly bears the disturbances created by others and which itself does not create disturbances.” It is not the haunting quiet of a holding your breath silence imposed upon you as you hide from someone in a game of hide and seek. It is not the panicked silence that is in a person because if they make one sound someone else will blow up all over them. (Have you ever been in those situations?) No, this is a quietness that resides in an individual at peace with God and those around him or her. It is a rest that one has in God, regardless of the situation around them. This is the quiet that we all need with God. It is the quiet that defuses a tense situation with kind words (It’s the soft answer of Proverbs that turns away wrath).
Peter calls gentleness and quietness imperishable. These characteristics are opposite of the gold which a woman might wear, that Peter calls perishable in 1:18. And likewise the precious item is not the gold but this gentle and quiet spirit.
This is the point that Peter is making. If you are seeking to cause your husband to change by altering your outward appearance, it will not work. Getting a face-lift, working out, coloring, cutting or perming your hair, wearing certain apparel, will not bring about any lasting change in his life. It is not wrong to take care of our outer person but God is not pleased when we neglect our inner person to work on our outer person. Working on the inner person is lasting, working on the outer person is fleeting. Do you spend more time focusing on what people will see on the outside or on the inside? Who are we trying to please? God doesn’t look on the outside. So let me say this to the single ladies that if you are trying to catch someone by how you look, then you better look out who you catch. Take my word (NO! Take God’s Word) it won’t be who you really wanted. You ladies who are single need to really take this time now to work on who you are in the Lord, before you concentrate on who you want to marry. When you are prepared and focused on the Lord, He will bring someone to you who will really be the prince you need. Don’t get distracted with everyone passing by. While you have the time spend time with Him. People say, “Opposites attract,” but the truth is that spiritual likes attract and if you are trying to attract someone by your body you will find out that he will have very little spiritual interest or any desire to be the spiritual leader of your home.
3. The pattern of submission (vv. 5-6)
Next Peter gives us the pattern of submission in verses 5-6. He points to women from the Bible who practiced submission. These were the superstars of the faith for women. They should still be today. They are great examples of what it means for a wife to be godly. Peter notes three character traits that wives should imitate.
A. They hoped in God
The first character trait these women of God exhibited was that they hoped in God. These women were characterized by a hope in God. They didn’t rely on anything else. They trusted in the fact that God could change them and their circumstances. They didn’t rely on their outward appearance but worked on adorning their inner person with godliness. They weren’t perfect. They failed at times. But the overarching principle of their lives was a trust in the fact that the living God was just that. He was alive and at work in their midst. If you can’t see God working in your life and in the life of your family, then you don’t have your hope placed in the right person. You cannot focus your hope on your husband for he will fail you. It is the God of the Word in whom you must place your hope. If you have hope in Him to work in your life and in the life of your family, He will. It’s so hard for us to trust that which we can’t see. But if you’ve ever gone sailing before, you’ve done just that. (How much more reliable is God than wind). You can’t see the forces from Bernoulli’s effect but you get in an airplane and trust it to hold you up. Stop trusting the unreliable and put your hope in God. You will see that He knows what He is doing. You don’t have to know what He is doing, you only have to trust in what He is doing.
You may ask, “What does this have to do with submission?” When you are able to submit to God, then you will be able to submit to your husband, knowing that God is ultimately in control and knows what is best for you. If you are unable to submit to God, then you won’t be able to biblically submit to your husband. Again the key is biblical submission, not the world’s view of submission. This is the quality that set women like Sarah apart from others. That’s why Peter mentions her specifically.
B. They displayed loving respect toward their husbands
The second character trait women like Sarah exhibited was that they displayed loving respect toward their husbands. This is found in verse 6 where it says, “just as Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him lord.” The only place in the Scripture where this occurs is in Genesis 18:12. Sarah is speaking to herself, while alone in the tent, and calls Abraham her lord. This has more to do than how someone addresses their husband. This text is not commanding that women call their husband “lord” or “master.” Peter is using Sarah as an example of someone who displayed loving respect toward her husband. We hear people today using all sorts of disparaging terms for their spouse (Old man, old woman, hag). Not only the titles are disparaging, but the gossip that goes on about one’s spouse is disparaging as well. How do you speak to others about your spouse? This section is more than just what is said to others but about how a wife thinks about her husband. I say that because in the passage in Genesis from which Peter is quoting, Sarah was by herself when she called him lord. The key to see if you are showing loving respect toward your husband is what are you saying to yourself about your husband when you are alone? What do you think about your husband? What about when it is just you and your family? Do you take that time to belittle him in private? Peter says that submission shows itself in displaying loving respect toward your husband. And that has everything to do with how you think about your husband. Let me ask you a question. When you have a bad thought about your husband (whether justified or not) do pray for him and ask God to change him? Or do you save that thought up to share with someone later? Showing loving respect doesn’t mean you simply let the situation go on as if it didn’t occur but it means that you seek God’s grace to be able to help him.
Here is the application for the unmarried: Do you show loving respect for those who are your authority now? If not, don’t think that you will change when you get married. You need to get that problem fixed first, because it won’t solve itself by getting married but will only cause it to carry on into the marriage.
C. They did what was right courageously
The third character trait these women exhibited was they did what was right courageously. The best way to understand verse 6 is in the NDV (New Dave Version) “you have become Sarah’s children (in salvation) and the proof of that is you are doing right and not frightened by any fearful thing. Peter has mentioned this before. Submission does not mean that you follow your authority in doing wrong. We are never to do that. The word translated “fear” or “amazement” means a terrifying act. Peter may very well be referring to threats from a husband. Most likely these threats from an unbelieving husband would have come in the form of “If you don’t renounce your faith in Jesus Christ then I’ll . . .” As a believer they could never do that. Renouncing their faith would be obedience in doing wrong, not right. Today that same threat is leveled. In Arab nations and other places hostile to the gospel, the threat may result in death. Here it could result in divorce or any number of similar threats. But the Christian wife is not to be afraid in this, but is to continue to place her hope, not in her husband, but in God. And so by doing right without fear you will prove yourself to be a daughter of Abraham by faith.
4. The husband’s complement to submission (v. 7)
Now we come to the verse for which every wife has been waiting. The fourth characteristic of godly biblical submission is the husband’s complement to submission. In this verse dealing with the husband’s relationship with his wife Peter lays out two commands and a warning. The brevity of this admonition in no way negates the serious nature of it. There are two commands that Peter gives to husbands if they are to avoid the judgment of God upon their lives and marriages.
A. Get to know your wife
The first command that Peter gives to husbands is get to know your wife. He says in the beginning of this verse, “Live with your wives in an understanding way.” Men you need to get to know your wife. What are her likes, dislikes; her strengths and weaknesses? What makes her happy; what gets her frustrated (With the idea of doing the first and avoiding the latter)? How are you going to do this? (Men this is a big and scary word)Communication. You cannot do this apart from communication. Let me give you a simpler word, talk. You need to talk to your wives. Do you regularly have a time with your wife to discuss with her what has been going on in the day? Are you sensitive enough to listen past the details and know what she is feeling? Part of getting to know your wife is understanding that she thinks differently than you (and that is a good thing). But you have got to learn to really listen to her. She may say she is willing to go on that ice fishing vacation, but the look in her eyes and her tone of voice are really saying Aruba. She agrees to use your Christmas bonus from work on that Trolling motor, but her heart is crying, “new dresser for the girl’s room.” Quit being so insensitive. Are you having time together to really talk each week? (Time during Monday night football when you say pass the chips doesn’t count). Turn the TV off. Get to know her. Find out what surprises she likes. Take her out on dates (And I’ve learned rule number 1 on this – – – Don’t take the children! No matter how well behaved they are – it’s not a date). And Old Country Buffet doesn’t count either unless she thinks its remarkable romantic.
What are her dreams, her desires? If there was one major thing she’d like to do sometime in her life, what would it be? What would she like to see changed in your life? What changes would she like to see in your home life? When you ask her these questions hold onto your seat and listen and do them. If she doesn’t talk or if she says “nothing dear” it is because you have proven to be so insensitive to her over the years that she doesn’t think you care and doesn’t see the sense in trying because you won’t do it anyway. If that’s the case you have some big changing to do and you’d better start right away. Even if she doesn’t tell you I bet you have some pretty good ideas of things you need to change by the grace of God.
Hopefully you’re not that far. But you need to commit yourself to get to know her. Get to know her now and meet her needs. That is what marriage is all about. You are to be seeking to know who she is so you can really be her provider. You are not just to be a financial provider, but you are to provide for her emotionally, physically and mentally.
B. Honor your wife
The second command that Peter gives is that you should honor your wife. The end of verse 7 says, “Show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.” Peter is saying that “though you have been given greater authority in marriage, your wives are still equal to you in spiritual privilege and eternal importance.”(Grudem) Christian wives and husbands share the awesome privilege of being a child of God. They have been elevated to an equal position in the family of God. There is no additional privilege for being a man as a Christian, like there was in Judaism where only a man could be a priest. As a Christian we are all priests. We all have the same access to God.
The word honor that Peter uses here speaks of the great value placed upon something. The word is used in the worship of God. It is used to describe the preciousness of Christ and the blood He shed for our sins. This gives us a picture of the value that our wives should have in our lives. The word is used of treasure. How do you treat some valuable treasure? You think about it often. You make sure you protect it. Peter is saying that we should elevate our wives to a great place of honor. They should be our first and foremost treasure in this life. How do you speak to your wife? Would you address God in this way? There ought to be similarities between our praise of God and the praise that we show to our wives. She doesn’t take the place of God, but Peter gives clear indication what high value we must place on our wives. We don’t value our wives, as we should. As husbands, this verse of Scripture ought to be the meditation of our hearts. If our love to our wives is to be a picture of Christ’s love for the church, then we haven’t given enough. You need to be praising your wife, with no ifs, ands or buts. Peter says that there is no excuse for not praising your wife regardless of the shortcomings you think your wife has. And God doesn’t give any excuse for it either.
How can you honor your wife? Do you help her in her spiritual walk with God? Do you show your praise consistently not only with words, but by your actions? Do you bring home things home to her that bring her delight? Do you hold her hand just because? Ask her what she would like you to do for her?
Because of the importance of how we treat our wives Peter gives us a strict warning in this passage. Before we look at that, however, I want to give the application of this to young unmarried men. What is Peter saying to you? You need to treat the women in your family with this kind of honor. It is how you value your mom, or your sisters. This is practice for when you get married. If you do not honor your mother and other women in your family now, you will not honor your wife. And young ladies, you look at how your man treats his mother or sisters because that is the way that he will treat you.
Now let’s look at the warning Peter gives us. The end of verse 7 says, “So that your prayers will not be hindered. The warning that he gives to us is a grave one. If you are not treating your wife with honor and dwelling with her in an understanding way, your prayers are going to be hindered. The word hindered is a military term that means to throw obstacles in the way. This means that your access to God will be roadblocked if your heart is not set to honor your wife. Your fellowship with God will dry up. Maybe your relationship with the Lord is dry and you don’t even recognize it.
Maybe it’s been that way so long you don’t know any different. If you are not seeking to honor and dwell with your wife according to knowledge, Peter says “Watch out! Your prayer life is headed for a decline.” If your prayer life is hindered, if God is not answering your prayer, could this be the reason why? If so, God will hear your prayer of repentance. Speak to your wife today, tell her that you have not treated her in the way that she needs to be treated, tell her by God’s grace you will seek to know her and really honor her, not just with your lips, but with your life.
Let me read a brief section to close from John Piper’s book “Desiring God”
“As Jesus says in Luke 22:26, “Let the leader be as one who serves.” The husband who plops himself down in front of the TV and orders his wife around like a slave has abandoned the way of Christ. Woe to the husband who thinks his maleness requires of him a domineering, demanding attitude toward his wife. If you want to be a Christian husband, you become a servant not a boss. What I mean is this: You should feel the greater responsibility to take the lead in the things of the Spirit; you should lead the family in a life of prayer, in the study of God’s Word, and in worship; you should lead out in giving the family a vision of its meaning and mission; you should take the lead in shaping the moral fabric of the home and in governing its happy peace. I have never met a woman who chafes under such Christlike leadership. But I know of too many wives who are unhappy because their husbands have abandoned their God-ordained leadership and have no moral vision no spiritual conception of what a family is for, and therefore no desire to lead anyone anywhere.”
Wives, have you been what God wants you to be? Have you submitted to God’s rule in your life, allowing you to submit to your husband? Are you seeking to obtain from the Lord that gentle and quiet spirit? Submission is respectful obedience and godly Christian leadership of a husband consists in seeking to meet his wife’s needs and to honor her.
I hope that each of you is seeking to be the Lord’s person in the life of your spouse or future spouse. If not, make that commitment to your spouse and to the Lord today.